Two Lines: Our Miscarriage Story

Because this blog is about real life, and not just DIYs or money saving tips, I thought it would be appropriate to share with you some real things that have been taking place in our life lately.

A short while ago, our family found out that we were expecting. This past Saturday, we had a miscarriage. There, I said it.

The reason that I'm telling you this is not to be indulgent or to create any kind of a buzz. I have no mal-intent here. Many months ago I had been challenged to write through the seasons, and here is the season, The Season of Loss. The Dark Night of the Soul.

First, I think I'll start by putting up a defence. Because that's what my gut instinct tells me to do. Because people who don't understand will read this blog, they'll comment anonymously, I'll answer some commonly asked questions - or the ones I can tell people are asking without outright saying it. Here are the questions written on peoples' faces:

"Why does it feel like a loss, even though you never met the child?"
My Aunt, my Doula for The Caterpillar's birth, put it best: The moment you see two lines on your at-home pregnancy test, (and you come jumping and running through the house like a four year old on a sugar kick, and you and your husband hold the test, and you check four, five, six times that it is in fact two lines), you plan. You dream. You tell yourself "I'm pregnant!". You calculate college expenses. You think about Summertime Maternity Dresses. You take photos of your little family with the little stick which indicates your family won't be so little anymore.

It feels like a loss because it is a loss.

"Why can't you just hold The Caterpillar close and be thankful for what you have?"
I can. And my husband. And we can cry in bed together.

"Why can't you move on?"
A miscarriage experience is different for everyone. For me, 2 days later, I guess you could say I'm still
"miscarrying". It's still very real. But it will be very real even days, weeks, months later. It'll be real in November, when my friends are having their babies and I'm not.

But there is hope.

As it was all becoming reality I couldn't stop telling myself that God is still good.

There are things that I still know to be true, and this is the reason that I share this with you. It's a very personal, very difficult experience, and many, many women go through it often. Many might say it's not appropriate to write about a miscarriage on a public platform.

But here's the thing, the statistics are horrifying. The reality is that many couples will miscarry. You will likely meet someone in your life who will experience this and there are things I want to tell you in the pain.

Miscarriage was my biggest fear. But fearing made no difference in my life. It added no moments to my day (Matt 6:27).  It simply meant that I did not enjoy every single moment with that child in my slightly padded belly. My lesson learned is to have no fear in this life but to instead enjoy the blessings while they are presented.

The next thing I want you to know is that God hears me. Yes, the moment we found out we were expecting, we prayed and petitioned. And then I continually prayed and petitioned. And prayed. And petitioned. Does this mean God didn't hear me? God heard. God answers. He doesn't answer the way we expect, but He answers. The Bible promises that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us. Not just that, He groans for us. Imagine deep, guttural, primal, heart-wrenching groans. Imagine the Holy Spirit feeling our pain and showing it to God and saying Father, heal them. That's what He's doing, and I know it because everything we need has been given to us in this time. God is the comforter and we feel comforted.

The last thing I want to let you know in this time is that God is unchanging. The promises He makes are the promises He makes. The day before the miscarriage I wrote on my Facebook, "Praise God! He fulfills His promises - in the big things and the little ones. We are feeling so blessed!" This is truth. Does it change a day later when circumstances change? No. God still fulfills His promises in the big things and the little ones. He has made promises to us that will be written in heaven forever. They are eternal, they are unchanging.

Yes, right now we are enduring a miscarriage and right now we are feeling the loss of a child that we never met. Some might find it dramatic, "just a couple of cells", some might think we should move on with life as usual, but we are taking this time to own our emotions, to grieve, to cry, to stay in the comfort of our home, to pray with our dear friends and family, and to take comfort in the peace God offers, the assurance that the Holy Spirit is praying for us, and the knowledge that the things we know will never change.