Marriage Monday: Life, Improvised

Last summer, we read Tina Fey's hilarious sort-of-autobiography "Bossypants". Not only was it a welcome break from the constant "oh my goodness, could we be pregnant?!" circling our heads, but in the book, Tina Fey (accidentally or not) gives some pretty sound advice for living life well. She shares her struggles and triumphs with learning to manage team members, learning to work well for and with others, and learning to forge a path as a woman in a male-dominated field. Throughout the book, she shares her stories of how she became the comedienne we know her as today: one of these stories focuses on the principles of improvisation and how to make the most of her short time on stage.

Or, as Ms. Fey calls it, "Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life And Reduce Belly Fat". In our opinion, these rules are not just for the stage: they can be successfully applied to marriage, too. (And probably business and friendships and parenting and in presentations and family, but we'll let you jump to your own conclusions on those).

They are as follows:

1. Agree & say yes.

In her book, Tina Fey points out those annoying jerks we've all seen on stage in a sketch who almost magically have the ability to halt a whole scene by disagreeing with their partner's suggestions. If one partner says, "welcome to Jamaica, mon", why (oh why oh why?) would the fellow partner respond with "this isn't Jamaica, this is Kentucky..."?

Suddenly the whole situation becomes awkward for everyone, because it's now impossible to know what's really going down.

By choosing not to agree to the scene your partner has endeavoured to create in his head, you demonstrate that, first of all, you don't trust his judgement, and secondly you create a conflict of interest which not only stops the scene from moving forward but confuses the audience. Cut.

Well, is marriage much different? Now of course life doesn't always allow us to agree and say yes - it's not always appropriate, and to follow suggestions blindly can quite frankly be a dangerous exercize. But... In a healthy, balanced marriage where the ultimate goal is the other partner's happiness, and where each spouse values the importance of their marriage, there should not be many situations where moving the scene forward - as opposed to bickering over the details - would be a waste of time. This is really just another way of reminding us not to sweat the small stuff. If there is something one of us has enough mind to do that they bring it up to the other, it's probably worth validating with - at minimum - an explorative conversation to weigh out the pros, cons, and effects on your marriage. Unlike improv, decisions in marriage have real world long term ramifications and shouldn't be taken as lightly as agreeing and saying yes, but it may not hurt to try this basic improv suggestion as a way of smoothing out conversation and moving forward with small-time decisions.

In Tina's words: "As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no.  “No, we can’t do that.”  “No, that’s not in the budget.”  “No, I will not hold your hand for a dollar.”  What kind of way is that to live?"

If one of us thought it was a good enough idea to bring up, the other should show the respect enough to give it a discussion instead of an immediate no.

2. Yes, and...

The point Tina makes next is that "your initiations are worthwhile". In improv, she shares, having the confidence to add to the scene will make the scene. Marriage allows for the same truth: don't just work with your partner's suggestions, add to them. Evolve them together. In our marriage, we have found over and over again that decisions are just better when we make them as a team, adding and changing the course of discussion in sync with each other.


3. Make statements.

Tina shares...

"This is a positive way of saying “Don’t ask questions all the time.”…. In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution.  Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.  We’ve all worked with that person.  That person is a drag."


Why use precious stage time to question "where are we?"... DECLARE where you are. State what's going on. Well, stick this principle in your marriage and you'll find that problem solving becomes a second nature response. Don't waste your life asking how you'll ever [fill in your blank here]. Spend your time getting creative, making statements, and trying them out.

4. There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

In live improv, "bossypants" teaches, scenes may not go perfectly. Tina uses an example of starting out a scene convinced she's making a pretty good cop, while her partner thought she was a caged hamster... Should she use her time to explain she was intending to act like a cop? No! She's a hamster now! Instead of perceiving the situation as a mistake which needed fixing, she saw the value in taking the new opportunity thrown her way.

It doesn't take much explaining to see how we can apply this to our marriage: things (usually) don't go the way we plan... And the times when we've embraced the mess and worked with it - as opposed to trying to fix what may not want fixing - we've had more fun and found a much better outcome for our family. (Remember that time we - surprise! - got pregnant? Or realized Toronto may not be our home sweet home? Or got lost and ran out of gas in the mountains of West Virginia?)

No mistakes. Just opportunities.

Overall, the four points - whether or not each of them can apply to every life situation - teach one solid overarching principle: the value of flexibility, of going with the flow, and of trusting the judgement of your partner all the while. Flexibility is especially tough for Sam, who needs to throw in a little more effort (although it seems counterintuitive) to just "go with it". But the value flexibility has added to our marriage - and the ramifications when we forget to be flexible - has been truly significant.

So we're going to keep working at it: trusting each other's judgement, adding to the conversation, endeavouring to move forward instead of standing static, and making the most of the mess.