Out of Line: Things We Say to the Prego

Please don't read further if you want to get into a perfectly cheery mood.

Being pregnant has many, many rewards. At nearly 34 weeks I can now justify taking advantage of the 'Expecting Child' parking spot at Wal-Mart & Home Depot (it's all in the waddle, people). Nobody bats an eye when I take a second helping (which to be honest, doesn't happen all that often...  baby + sitting on my stomach + heartburn = many more smaller meals). Naptime is whenever I'd like it to be. Work allows me to sit down a lot more often. These are all wonderful things. Oh yes, and I'm carrying the world's most amazing baby ever (I don't need to meet her to know that).

But.
Always a but.

There are a few down-sides to pregnancy. And they're not really the physical down-sides you would expect... everyone can live with (and prepare for) a little backpain or heartburn or midnight strolls. Those are all A-OK in my books, just part of the job. It's the people around you that can make pregnancy much less exciting...

You'll notice that, like anything else in life, everyone is an expert about pregnancy. Everyone has some secret, hidden, magical memento of truth that they must convey to you lest you die or, worse, have their piece go unheard.

Most people are well intentioned and usually correct - their advice is worth trying, their compliments are endearing, their support is received. That's most people. Not everyone.

Here are a few comments I've heard in my pregnant days (mostly since I started really showing at about 24 or 25 weeks) I graciously accepted at the time and saved up to write a passive aggressive blog post about:

Misguided statement: Wow, you're getting gigantic! So soon! Any day now!
In-my-head response: Wroooonnngggggg.


Misguided statement: Oh my goodness, you're due in 6 weeks?! But you're so small!
In-my-head response: That's just an illusion. I can't see below my belly button. Why is everyone so sure about their review of my size? (See above).

Misguided statement: (In reference to pregnancy) - Everything in life has consequences.
In-my-head-response: Thank you for your infinite wisdom. Everything in life does have consequences. I know you intended that very negatively, or else you wouldn't have said it (who just says that?), but in my particular case the consequences are wonderful: I am at a fantastic biological age to have a baby - an age that predicts longer life expectancy for my child and the ability for that child to have wonderful, long-lasting relationships with her Grandparents, if they so desire. Sure, I don't have savings (we really don't, please don't judge us, I haven't had a full-time job since graduating), but my husband and I are frugal and effective financial planners and we have the trust that God will carry us through. We are prepared to face the financial consequences of having a baby if it means, well, having a baby. And in the long run, those who have children younger are set up for better, more comfortable retirements and have more success in supporting their children financially. That's pretty badass. I also get to face the consequence of knowing a sweet, beautiful little girl at a period in my life when I am surrounded by a wonderful community of friends and family who go out of their way to support myself and my husband. And that's a badass consequence, so suck it, please and thanks.

Misguided statement: Don't buy one thing. Not one. People will just give stuff to you. You'll get everything for free.
In-my-head-response: This is only true for wives of pastors or other extremely well-connected people. At one point I did believe this, and then I realized, no, people will not just give you everything, and really... I don't want them to. There have been a TON of freebies we've been privy to (I'd say thousands of dollars worth if you include the second-hand crib, the playpen, the clothes, the books, the EVERYTHING which I am more than grateful for)... but if I just waited, and waited, and waited... I'd be preeettttyyy short for stock.

Misguided statement: What are you having? Is it a girl? It's a girl, isn't it! Girls are the BEST gender. Much better than boys.
In-my-head-response: What if I was having a boy? What would you do then, huh? Boys and girls are equally awesome. There is no better gender. There are both splendidly cute girls and boys clothes. They both like to play with stuff and run around and pull your hair and say funny things.

Misguided statement: You look SO TIRED.
In-my-head-response: Really, 'cause I just spent fifteen minutes getting ready to get here. But you're right. I should just pop back in bed.

Misguided statement: (While touching my belly, without asking) Do you hate it when people do this?
In-my-head-response: Yes. You seem so confident that I don't.
Out loud: No way!
To clarify: I love it when my friends & family touch my belly. You know, people I know.

Misguided statement: (I think this was supposed to be a joke, it was said to my face) She's either pregnant or she's very, very fat!
In-my-head response: I'm both, now please get your eyes on your own belly and worry about how you're going to deal with your own problems. Mine will be sorted out in minutes.

Misguided statement: You should name your baby [BLANK].
In-my-head-response: Will do.

Now I'm finished. I am allll wrapped up. Won't do it again. Promise. I'll keep everything in my head! (But if you have anything to add, please do so in the comments section!)

If you're looking to hear more rude things people say to pregnant people, check out this funny website!