open your mouth / sing out a song / life is short as the day is long.

I've never lost anybody I know, to death. I am thankful for that. I am terrified by death. I don't know why. I hope I can come to a point of peace with it, but I'm not quite there yet.

I fear, daily, that something terrible will happen to someone I love. I fear my heart will stop, too, at the inability I'll face to move on. There are people in my life that I just need, I can't live without. I fear, I fear, I fear.

Yesterday was David Powell's birthday. Dave was an active member of my church, my husband taught his siblings in a photography class, and I worked alongside his brother at a camp. But I only met Dave once. He had a really cool t-shirt that picked up audio and lit up in bright colours. I told him I liked it. That is to say, all I know about Dave is that he's a light. He lights things up. Still.

I'm off Facebook, but I can't help oversee my husband when he logs on, and yesterday statuses were filled with the words "I want to run, jump, and spread life in this world" - Dave's last status, his legacy if you will, to commemorate his birthday.

I visited his memorial website. I read tributes from his siblings, his parents, and a conversation between two people about his life. The memories listed aren't simple, they're not restricted to expected musings like "he was a good man", "he was a good friend", "he was a good person" - they are expansive, extensive, huge, they're just huge. Dave made a huge impact, and he was 22 when he died.

Does this quell my fear of death? No. Absolutely not. Even Dave's own writing about suffering makes me scared. God didn't invent suffering, but He can use good things out of it, Dave says. I understand this, but it still makes me shiver. I don't want to face suffering. I don't want my loved ones to.

I fear the day when I leave this world. What will I have done to light up others' lives? While cliche, what will my legacy be?

I want to be more loving, I want to be rich in spirit, I want to be a friend that jumps in head first, I want people to know how much worth they have, I want my husband to feel my hugs & kisses every day. Every day is a step closer to being who I want to be, loving who I am, and celebrating who I was.

I don't want to be held by the fear that this world won't be okay, because it will be okay. We'll be okay. God has our hands, tightly held.

"Can't leave you my body, but I'll leave you a tune. This is my legacy, cheers to you"