So, Are You Excited?: When The Crutch Gets Pulled Away

"...So... are you excited?!"

This is the question I am now being asked multiple times a day, and the same one I never know how to answer. I am. I mean, I am excited. Sometimes. But not always.

I am excited to go to Nicaragua as a family. I am excited to do a new culture for 4 months, and to (fingers crossed) learn a new language, and ...well here's the thing, where this gets real... to have 4 nearly work-free months ("work" work) where I can just focus on nurturing this little family & learning to see how I do as just a mom. And that also makes me nervous. Which is what makes it difficult for me to answer your question. Because when you ask me if I'm excited, I'm not thinking about Nicaragua at all. I'm thinking about the crutch that's about to be pulled from under me: work.

When we get into these kinds of real, good, "umph"-y conversations with our dearest friends and they ask me how I'm feeling, the attention always seems to shift quickly off of Nicaragua and onto these tough heart issues God is wrestling with me over. "What do you love, Samantha? And what do you love more than that?" That's where this all becomes a little rough for me.

Yes, I am excited, but I'm scared, and not so much of emerging into a new way of life, or even for the transition (which will be tough but expected), it's more that it feels like we've closed an entire chapter of Business Building & Getting Out of Debt and are opening an entirely new chapter (yet to be named) where John and I will have new roles in our family and in our environment and where we're going to start to learn and see things we can do that we didn't know we could do... or things we always thought we could do but maybe should be pulling back on.

Or being forced to be brave in ways that I don't know how to be brave in.
And that includes mothering.

Our business doors are not closing and we're not seeking new career roles (in fact, I think the best is yet to come for John as a photographer) but I know that I know that we are moving into a season of life where I'm meant to be back-to-back with John as he leads us forward and I nurture the girls. Where I could work, sure, but I'm just not meant to. (As an individual person - this is not a sweeping generalization of motherhood. Just clearing it up for all my feminist buds. Fist emoji.) There's this side of me that fears that "meant to be"; whether that nurturing were to take place in Canada or elsewhere, it's scaring me. And I almost feel like I know for sure that it can't take place in Canada because I'm really quite fantastic at finding work for myself to do so John and I can share responsibilities of parenting and working - which is great. Really, really great. And I think it's part of our story and our lives and our mission as a family to co-parent / co-work but to be honest, sometimes I use work as a distraction from mothering and I know that this act of distraction in and of itself that is not inherently bad (many mothers need to work part- or full- time even to make them better mothers), but I need a healthy dose of "what do I look like without my identity being rooted in my role as a co-provider?", even if just for a short time. I rely on email answering and photo editing and client meetings and while it does our business well, guess what: we're out of debt. I can pull it back. John can pull it off.

The season of full-time mothering is a season that many of my friends have been in for a while, and a season that many others aren't desirous of or is even practical for them. There is no right or wrong on the issue. But it's a wall I'm terrified to push down because I don't know what things look like without me being a part-time (and sometimes full time) employee of our company and being a 100% no-holds-barred Full-Time-In-Your-Face Mama (versus the 75% I've been putting in these last 6 months). How will I do? Or can I do it? Or will I be just as exhausted as I hear it is? Or will I have more energy because I will be able to just focus on one aspect of my life and not two?

So, am I excited?

Yes. I'm excited. Sometimes, but not always. I'm going to pick up a new pace, and I get to do it with John leading us forward and the girls in my arms. And that's exciting.

Sometimes.
But not always.