Monday, May 20, 2013

So... When Will You Stop That? | On Breastfeeding. Again.

If there is one thing more divisive between a community that should be bound together by experience and understanding, it's breastfeeding. Us moms are constantly battling some kind of expectation regarding breastfeeding, sourced from God-knows where, but it's here.

Appendix A
Whether we can do it
or we can't do it
or we won't do it
or we'll schedule it
or they'll demand it
or we'll pump it
or we'll start it
or we'll stop it
or we'll give it up
or we won't.

I think there have been a good number of writers who have covered the issues related to not being able to breastfeed: not being able to breastfeed for as long as you'd like to, or at all, brings up questions about one's femininity ("am I woman enough?"), about one's parental ability ("am I mom enough?"), and about one's ability to effectively provide for the health of one's child ("am I healthy enough?"). By the way, the answer is 'yes', 'yes', and 'yes'.

I encourage you to read these thoughts from other writers, because they are very important. Personally, I've also written about the difficulties of breastfeeding and the challenge to keep-on-keeping-on even at 3 AM when I'd rather heat up a bottle of formula, thank you very much.

However, I now have a 13 (almost 14) month old infant who is still breastfeeding. And rather than being surrounded by the concept that "breast is best" (as though I really had a choice on that one), we're now slipping into this grey area of stigma where the question starts to arise if breast really is still best.

Here's the thing:

Something so private and so intimate has made its way to the face of the media time and again, and therefore in the face of controversy and of the ever-evasive mommy guilt. At a certain point, this line gets crossed where it becomes less-OK to breastfeed than it was before the line was crossed - and I'm not quite sure where that line really lies.

It's no secret that our culture is cool with sexualizing just about anything sexualize-able and of course it's not a far stretch to sexualize breastfeeding (I'm sure I don't need to tell you why). So, not only do we have moms pitting against each other to affirm that Their Way is the Right Way (see Appendix A), we've also got magazine ads and movies reminding us that boobies are nice to look at, and that women want attention, so of course breastfeeding had been made to become a means of sexual attention.

Which is total nonsense. In reality, breastfeeding and sex are as related as peanut butter sandwiches and ceramic owl statues.

Add to this that the toddler age is the one where kids are able to remind us, constantly, about what they want. I'm aware that there can be implications with this when breastfeeding. I'm sure everyone has heard of stories of toddlers pulling down mama's shirt or using terribly inappropriate words to let her know what they're looking for - and although I can't agree with that behaviour directly (The Caterpillar is disciplined when she pulls my shirt down), I do have to ask:

At what point is the "line" crossed? When does breastfeeding become socially unacceptable? And can we, as people surrounded by extended-breastfeeding mothers (such as myself and many others around me) learn to accept the inappropriate toddler-style behaviour that comes with it & the mother's choice to continue until age 1, 2 or 3 (or beyond)?

The fact is that if you can breastfeed until age 1, 2 or 3 (or beyond?), and if you want to and your child wants to, there's no reason to stop. Research proves that children breastfed well into toddlerhood are privy to higher immunities to diseases including a variety of cancers. I don't say that to criticize any mother who cannot, or chooses not to, breastfeed until this time - but to affirm that if we can and do want to, science is behind our choice.

But "society" is not.
{Sciety, Seth.}

Personally, I want to keep going right now. I feel no inclination to stop quite yet: Breastfeeding is a convenient way to keep The Caterpillar happy when she's tired or fussy, it's part of our sleep-time routines for her, and it gives us both an opportunity to 'take 5' in the midst of a busy time. And, you know, it protects her from cancers, boosts immunities, is great for a parent-child attachment style bond... But I feel nervous about being one of those moms , and nervous for the looks and the reactions. That's not enough for me to quit - because right now I just don't want to - but one day, something's gotta give.

I'm counting The Caterpillar to make the call, if I don't first.

So what do you think? 

[Sidenote: If you need to be convinced that breastfeeding beyond 6 months is not a perversion, there are many articles to help you along the way. Like this one and this one and this one and this one and this one. The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding up to age two and beyond, and the international "norm" is to breastfeed until age 3.]

13 comments:

  1. I breastfeed until Abbie was 23 months and had decided from the beginning I wanted to make it until 2 if she was interested. Ohhh she was interested. With being pregnant it made breastfeeding very painful to the point I could not continue. I was sad and she cried but we made it through. You and your babe decide and know one else :-)

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  2. this is so good Sam. You should be encouraged: the fact that you can still breastfeed is wonderful and something to thank the Lord about. I have honestly viewed breastfeeding as a gift, especially since my gift only lasted 6 months -- way to short for my liking. It gives you a chance to connect with your daughter quietly, it gives you a chance to take a much needed breather and rest, and so much more. So kudos to you. You're doing a great job, and I don't want to say you're "lucky", because I know you worked hard at this...but you're certainly blessed :)

    I wish I could have breastfed Pen longer. It's still something that makes me sad. Sometimes I catch myself thinking next time I'll do "better", and I realize that I did the best for my baby. But I try to just cherish breastfeeding as the gift it was, however short it was :)

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  3. I haven't crossed this bridge with Donnick yet, but it is something that I've thought about. I appreciate your honesty and perspective; I know we might have different parenting styles but this is an issue that touches every mother, regardless of her beliefs.

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  5. Oh! I could rant about breastfeeding for hours! I've told my husband that the "worst" two things you can do as a mother (by societal standards) are formula feed before 6 months and breastfeed after 12 months. It is all pretty ridiculous how strict and often contradictory the rules of perfect motherhood are.

    I'm so glad you are continuing to breastfeed since that is what you want to do! Also, I'm sure this post will be a great encouragement to other moms who want to keep going but wonder if they are wrong to feel that way.

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  6. Sam I love your honesty. I am not a mother yet so I can't say I have any idea what its like from personal experience, or the bond a mother and baby feel. But I think its fantastic that you're not only able to still breastfeed, but you're also choosing to continue to breastfeed for as long as it works for you - that's awesome!!

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  7. Wow you guys, thanks for the positive feedback!

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  8. love this! I started cutting back some with Gracie around 14 months ( I hadn't started ovulating yet and had issues in the past, so was hoping cutting back would work) and then somehow she just kind of transitioned on her own, and now I'm like, "when did this happen?" Looking back I am so grateful I got to breastfeed her for 15 wonderful months. At first it felt like torture to breastfeed, but after we got over the initial bumps, I loved it! Now I kind of miss it! I am so happy you shared this and I encourage you to keep going for as long as you and your little one need!

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  9. LOOOOOOVE that you wrote about this!!

    I was only able to breastfeed Addison til 8 months unforunately, so I never had to worry about the "extended breastfeeding" challenge, but even at that age I did get the "why don't you just give her some formula so you can go out with your husband and have time away?" Thing was - I never wanted that. It didn't bother me having to feed her every few hours and stay by her side.

    Now with my newest little booby feeder (heehee) I plan to breastfeed til at least 18 months (and yes, plans change but for now that's where we're at) and am going to brace myself for the certain backlash. But you know what? It's ok!
    I plan on using it as a time to educate others. :)
    AND - really, past a year, he'll only be drinking milk a few times/day rather than it being his main nutrition.. so I can easily avoid having to do so in public I imagine.
    Don't be too concerned love, there is stigmas with everything in life. Take this as an opportunity to become an even stronger mama. ;)

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  10. This is something so near and dear to my heart. I nursed Teag for 13 wonderful months. It was longer than any of my friends nursed their babies (that I knew at the time), and I got tons of pressure from family members to stop. It is something that I regret, I wish that I would have nursed him longer. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I didn't get to nurse Arlo at all (I pumped for 4months), but this time my "plan" is to nurse Little Miss till she is 18months (or longer).

    Whatever you decide, make sure you have peace in your heart, otherwise you will regret it.

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  11. Not that this is exactly related but all those pressures, for me, surround the birth process. C-sections versus 'natural' delivery. I had a lot of guilt and shame and frustration and loss surrounding not being able to give birth to my kids despite all my best intentions. My question is, why does so much controversy surround so many things- both bfeeding and delivery? If the child is healthy and the mom is healthy and everyone's needs are being met, why does it really matter how?!

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  12. I agree with Kait. You have to make the decision that is right for you. I never got to nurse Alivea (even though it is possible to nurse adopted children). I just didn't have enough time to prepare my body. It is one thing that I regret. I would encourage you to do what you feel is right for you and for the Caterpillar. Don't give into the pressure. God gave you this child and you are entrusted with how to raise her. No one else gets to make these decisions for her. It's your responsibility and your privilege.

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  13. I'm not a mom, but I already have made the decision to not breastfeed my kids. I know I probably could (I have had some "work" done on the girls so I know they are in working order for the most part), but It's not something I want to do. I have my reasons. SO, I will be formula-feeding from birth.

    Anyway, bottom line, I just wanted to say thanks for being clear about not judging those of us who do not intend to breastfeed. I read too many blogs centred around condemning women who choose to formula feed, and I've gotten pretty bitter because of it. Your post was informative and refreshing.

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Let's hear what you think!