Wind

This past week has been a complete whirlwind for us. Emotionally exhausting, hopeful, defeating, and at this point, invigorating.

John (for the record) gives the go-ahead on sharing this story.

Here's how it starts: sometime, about two weeks ago, John nearly got into a car accident that almost certainly would have taken his life. This isn't the official start of the story, but it's the only reference point my mind keeps returning to. So, for the sake of my perspective, it's the start. John was turning left out of a parking lot and onto a busy road. He couldn't see the traffic in front of him, as he was behind another vehicle. A cement truck was coming towards him. However the details came together, both John and the truck driver came out unscathed. John scared and truck-man angry, but no collision, no insurance claim, no ambulance. No funeral. John told me about the incident later that day and as night progressed I couldn't help but think that evening could have turned out differently. Different prayers. Different tears.

A week or so prior, John and I had a routine appointment with our banker. In casual conversation, John and I jokingly lamented that we wouldn't be able to qualify for a mortgage until spring at the earliest - between a sufficient downpayment and the struggle of the self-employed to qualify for lending, our craving for a home wouldn't be satisfied for a while. But we were okay with this. We recently redecorated our apartment and despite noisy neighbours and an increasingly tight layout, it was home.

Our broker, however, had another solution: he could qualify us for a mortgage. And did. That day.

We were ecstatic, and surprised. We were now "on the market". MLS was no longer a fun website but a sea of potential homes. We set up viewings, assessed realtors, sorted finances, and prayed. Oh, we prayed. For wisdom, for guidance, for leadership. We felt we were to "make haste". So we did, and shortly after, we found The One.

The One in our price range. In our desired region. With room to grow, but not to get lost in. With potential for improvement, but not a need for it. We got that feeling of home there, and contentedness with our current home dissipated. We made an offer, the seller accepted, and we moved toward what was supposed to be the short-and-sweet road to financing. We were pre-approved, after all.

However, what we soon found was that our pre-approval was made in haste. By that I mean, improperly, mistakenly. Our banker meant well and at the time his mistake was made unknowingly, but our pre-approval did not fit the confines of new July 2012 regulations for the self-employed. Essentially, we need a 10% downpayment, not a 5%. In numbers, this is a difference of $10 000. Not a slight one.

After exploring a couple of last-ditch options, we realized that the wisest move was to close this door altogether, lest we get in over our heads. I mean, more over our heads.

We felt discouraged and defeated. Why were we so sure? Why were we so sure this fit into God's plan? To those questions, I don't have the answer. Not yet. I will, but not yet.

Last night we went to bed feeling heavy and sad. And we woke up this morning feeling a little empty: we could be planning a move, we could be discussing decor...

But then it hit me. Like a brick in the face. Joy. We woke up sad, but we woke up together. I could be living the do-over I prayed for one teary night in a world I thankfully don't live in. John's arms around me, The Caterpillar brought into bed beside me (morning routine, we love it). All together.

So this is all to say: this last week has been a whirlwind that I have been privileged to live. Despite the bickering and the confusion and feeling a little let down and discontent, I'm glad it happened. I don't know why it did, but it did, and I'd do it again if I got to do it with John.

Today he worked harder and more creatively than I can recall, ever. The ideas he was bubbling over with are inspiring. I feel at home in our apartment again.

We do hope to buy a house. Maybe next year, maybe not. But whatever we do, we whirlwind together.