Picking Up Chicks

Here's something to consider: us married moms and you single men are both trying to do one thing when in public places. Our goal is to pick up the ladies.

Obviously we have slightly different intentions in mind. You want marriage, long-term happiness, kids (let's keep this blog family-friendly). We want non-romantic-lunch dates, toy-sharing, date-night sharing (I babysit your kids while you go on a date; you babysit our kids while we go on a date) and someone to go the journey with us (even if it's just on Facebook). We're both looking for companionship. It comes down to this.

So, after last week's trip to Mom & Baby Time at the local library, I thought I might evaluate the similarities and differences in our approach to picking up the chicks. Maybe we have something to learn from each other.


When attempting to pick up a lady, single men frequent bars and clubs. What they find are women quick to evaluate clothing choices, perfume scent, and drink selection. When attempting to meet new mom-friends, moms frequent libraries and early learning centres. What they find are other moms, quick to judge or be judged, constantly comparing baby milestones.

When playing the "get to know you" game, single men ask about a woman's occupation, music preferences, and, like, what do you think of Obama and stuff? When playing the "get to know you" game, moms ask other potential mom-friends about diapering/teething/dressing/whining strategies.

When trying to set up a future hangout, single men suggest coffee, dinner, or a movie. Meeting in a non-intrusive environment where either party can make a quick excuse to leave at any given time is an excellent strategy in the dating game. When trying to set up a future hangout, potential mom-friends suggest lunch dates or playtime. Their child becomes the opportunity to make a quick excuse to leave at any given time.

There are a lot of similarities between what us two very different groups are going through, and I wanted to unite us and make an effort to learn from our lady-pick-upping counterparts. But I think guys might actually be better at it.


So, I got in touch with 3 single and upstanding guys to see what they do to pick up the chicks. I asked them 4 simple questions in hopes of finding a thing or two that us moms could apply to our own picking-up-chicks tactics... even though, like I said, we're just hoping for someone to share Goldfish crackers with.

1. Where do you go to meet women?
Personally, I meet other moms at the Library and Early Learning Centre. But after a little while, you kind of start to see the same faces! This can be good, but are there any other potential avenues to explore?

Bachelor #1 Shared...
I think mostly because of the industry I work in (upscale food and beverage service) and the people I hang out with, I meet most people in restaurants and bars around the city if not in the one I work at. That being said, the more lasting connections I’ve made with girls have generally happened outside of these settings; concerts, shopping the same section of a bookstore, or even waiting in line somewhere. I think it’s more about being observant and aware of your surroundings rather than where you are physically.

What Can Us Moms Learn from Bachelor #1?
I like the idea of meeting other moms in locations that you'd normally spend your time at - the same section of the bookstore is a great example - because, like Brock Bachelor #1 shares, you might find that you have a lot in common based on where you met. 

Bachelor # 2 Shared...
I'd say I generally meet girls at parties, it's always easier to meet people with a drink in hand! Although, that doesn't go to say that I have to have a buzz going when meeting girls, I've never had much trouble meeting them sober as well. I guess outside of parties it'd be in class, or if I happen to go somewhere with friends and there's a few girls that get brought along who I hadn't met before. Since we're doing the same thing and know the same people it makes it easier to bring up some kind of relevant conversation.

What Can Us Moms Learn From Bachelor #2?
Nothing. Seriously. Nothing at all.

Bachelor # 3 Shared...
In the past, I relied more on the location I was in to explore relationships. Of late, I have begun to explore eHarmony as I have moved to a new area. To me, it's brilliant - I hate small talk so when someone provides key information about themselves (such as interests or viewpoints), it helps to break the ice quicker. Are there sites like that for mom friends? There should be.

What Can Us Moms Learn From Bachelor #3?
Although it might be kind of strange to make a platonic friend through the internet, there might be some merit here. The idea of a "mutual friend" actually goes a long way - if a person is friends with someone you trust, it's a good indicator that you're not wasting your time with a person that might have nothing in common with you.

2. What kind of things do you look for in a potential lady-friend?
Good indicators of commonalities are: a baby's MASSIVE bottom - this tells me the mother is into cloth diapering, and I dabble in the art; amber necklaces, which indicate to me that the baby is a) teething (hot topic for conversation) and b) that the mom is into alternative medicine practices (also hot topic for conversation); and general tidiness (a good indicator that the mom cares about herself / her baby and will therefore care about her platonic relationships). Maybe I read into things too much, and pigeon-hole myself because I am looking on the outside. What can our lady conneseurs teach us on the topic?

Bachelor #1 Shared...

It probably goes without saying, but seeing someone you think would be a good potential match for you and someone actually being a good match are two totally separate issues. If you’re curious about someone and you have mutual friendships, set up a hang out with her and a group of people and watch how she interacts with them – listen to the language she uses, figure out what your commonalities are and play to those strengths, make some jokes and see how they react. It might be a cliché, but what you want is to be yourself while giving her the opportunity to be just as transparent in a comfortable environment.

When it comes to women, I look for someone who exhibits the qualities that I place the most value on. If they are kind, honest, hard-working, if they have a good sense of humour, passion, and drive there’s a good chance we’ll get along fine. After those staples, I look at the commonalities we share and figure out whether or not there’s a mutual interest in one another. If there is, we move forward. If not, who cares? Seriously, there are literally too many people to even begin to scratch the surface of meeting a fraction of them, why get yourself worked up over one? At least twelve times in the last year I can remember being “set-up” by friends with women they knew and I’m 0/12. It’s not a big deal, I meet girls every day so why would it bother me if it didn’t work out.

What can we learn from Bachelor #1?

I like the idea of a group hangout - that sets you up for a low-key setting to find out if there is any friend-potential available. Church groups and moms groups are probably great places to start. I also like the idea of meeting in a comfortable environment. There is nothing more uncomfortable than sitting face to face on a couch, babe in arms, talking about... wait, do we have anything in common at all? 

Also, I think a relaxed attitude about relationships is really important. In Bachelor #1's case, a 0-12 record could be disheartening.. but he tried to look at it as an opportunity to move forward and meet other people. Us women get so caught up on convincing people to like us, that maybe we could learn a thing or two about moving forward? There are other mom-fish in this mom-sea, right?

Bachelor #2 Shared...

 I'm confused by this question, but first appearances are always a good thing when meeting girls, seeing how if I'm looking for a lady friend in that sense I'm gonna be checking her out, obviously.

When it comes to that, if that's the question I'm always big on eyes. The colour doesn't matter to me as much as how dark they are, like some nice dark brown eyes, or dark blue, or whatever colour. I'm not so much into green eyes now that I think of it. Aside from the eyes, I can't stand when a girl doesn't have nice teeth. Like crooked in any way bugs me, or gaps drive me nuts! Also when it comes to the big debate between boobs or butts I've always been a boobs guy myself. Not sure why.

Also personality is a huge thing! I can't stand when a girl is stuck up at all, or only talks about herself without me asking about it, like boasting about stuff that I don't care about at all, or chirps other people.

When it comes to girls that are friends I couldn't care less about how they look, just their personality. If they're too whiny I'll never talk to them. I understand that girls have a lot of problems, and need people to talk to about it, but when it's the same problem over and over again they they're just doing to themselves I just give up. That goes to say that I like girls who can take advise from people, and don't just go on hearing what I say without listening to a word of it.

And if they're cool to hang out with, and are into the same stuff as me. Like almost all of my friends who are girls like Lord Of the Rings, Game of Thrones, and like trying new things. I can't stand when girls have their own way of doing things and just stick to that, and don't bother trying new things.
Also for both friends and other girls, I can't stand girls who dress skanky.

What can we learn from Bachelor #2?

This is a tough one. There's a lot to dig through. Boobs? Butts? So many choices. But: let's zone in on "personality is a huge thing!". How many times have we hung out with friends and spent 300% of the time discussing the one thing we know best: ourselves? This is probably my biggest problem! I'll take Bachelor #2's advice and let potential mom-friends elaborate a little further on themselves before I jump in and share my own stories. 

We can also learn that misogyny is still going strong.

Bachelor #3 Shared...

 I like to get to know a girl first. I look for someone around my height, a sense of humour (who can handle a little banter and teasing), intelligent, and down-to-earth.

What Can We Learn From Bachelor #3?

That people like us when we're down to earth. That it's OK to meet other mom-friends... wait for it... SANS makeup. 

3. How do you ask the potential lady-friend to hang out again?

 So, you've met a mom-friend. You've hit it off. This is a success. How to continue and make a friendship out of it? I suggest playdates at the park or lunch in my living room. But sometimes I find it tricky to find a balance between too-busy surroundings (AKA, no room for conversation) and the staring-each-other-in-the-face-on-the-couch scenario. 

Bachelor #1 Shared...

When I’ve made the decision that I’d like to see a woman again, I pursue making that a reality. Generally with the women I’m interested in, it makes sense to suggest something light and fun. If they like coffee and it’s a nice day out, grab an Americano and go for a walk. And don’t let something as dumb as the weather control your day. Be fluid with this stuff and have fun. If your walk gets rained out, go to a bookstore and shop around together. A great tactic is to invite them along to something you’re already committed to doing – and something you could imagine them enjoying. I rock climb and if I meet a girl that is even marginally interested in fitness and healthy living, it’s an easy sell and most of the time I think they really enjoy it. Doing this also gives you a conversational advantage. Too many awkward silences can really kill an early relationship and if you have a mutual task to accomplish, you won’t run out of things to say so quickly.

Also, I stay away from the dreaded “Dinner and a Movie” as a first hang-out. I have yet to meet a girl that wants to sit in front of a person they barely know, talking about where they grew up and how many sisters they have only to then move to a theatre full of mouth-breathers and unhappy couples to watch a movie in silence. If I was the girl, I would think of anything I possibly could to get out of that scenario. I think people like to feel that they’re important enough to justify a well thought out and fun time with the person they’ve chosen to be with – and for the most part they deserve that. Dinner and a Movie is not well thought out, and won’t send the message that you’re genuinely interested in her.

What We Can Learn from Bachelor #1...

I like the idea of inviting a potential friend along to something you're already committed to doing - it's a great way to say "look, this is the kind of person I am!" and also, it sucks less if their child is sick last-minute or they didn't really enjoy it. It might help shed light on if you're actually compatable as friends.

Also: Bachelor #1. You are correct, movie-in-silence is kind of uncomfortable. Continue on your path & you will find it works.

Bachelor #2 Shared...

I just see them around sometime and ask them if they wanna chill, or I'll send them a message. Usually I like to take them out somewhere they they've never been, like this South American place downtown, "Arepa". If I don't feel like spending more money after that, I just come up with something that seems creative and spontaneous, like walking around the city, or by the skyline at the school.
If I do feel like spending money, you can never go wrong with laser tag! It's not too expensive if you stay for only a game or two, and it's always a good time!

What we can learn from Bachelor #2...

That money is everything.

Bachelor #3 Shared...

 I usually ask her to something low-key: coffee/tea, little field trip - something fun. I would play it down - if they're interested, would they like....Only if I'm very comfortable would I ask immediately.

What we can learn from Bachelor #3...

FIELD.TRIP. This also goes along with what we can learn from Bachelor #1!

4. What kind of things do you ask a potential lady-friend when you want to get to know them? 

I ask how the potential friend deals with naptime/ diaper rash / constant-snotty-nose / crawling... but after enough time of just asking for advice, the conversation can go a little stale. Any ideas for something with more substance?

Bachelor #1 Shared...

This is probably my weakest area when it comes to meeting new women. If I like them enough, I’ll usually draw a complete blank when it comes to asking them anything specific – I just get too nervous and my brain shuts off. I don’t know why, but it’s just how I operate I guess. What ends up happening is that I talk for what I feel is eons too long (it probably isn’t that bad), and then I ask some stupid question about where they grew up (it probably isn’t all that stupid). I’m getting mad at myself just thinking about it.

What I’m trying to do, quite simply (and sort of successfully sometimes), is listen to the women I’m interested in and respond insightfully to what they’re saying. Ask them about what they’re reading, where they’ve been, what they did this summer, what their passion is or what gets them out of bed in the morning. Everyone, even boring people, has a beautiful story about where they’ve been and who they are and where they’re going. Delve into this stuff because it is solid gold.

One of my favorites is asking for advice on things that are happening in my world (“My buddy said ____ to me and I don’t know how to feel about it, what do you think?”). In general the women I interact with (platonically and romantically) are incredibly gifted advice-givers and I’m not going to let that resource just slip away. On top of that, questions like these are doorways to great conversations and a good look at the mindset of the person you’re interested in. For me, most of my concentration while talking with anyone is given to listening to what they’re saying and responding the best way I know how: with honesty and respect.

What we can learn from Bachelor #1...

Along with 'not talking about yourself constantly', I think us moms could also learn to 'listen'. It's this crazy thing that we are pretty awful at, but maybe these guys have it right. Would I be married today if I didn't feel... listened to? Is a friendship going to work if a friend doesn't feel... listened to? Ding ding ding!

The advice idea is also great, but in my case personally, it's my only trick. 

Bachelor #2 Shared...

I ask about school/work, family stuff, what music they're into, and anything that I know nothing about. It opens up room for a million other things to talk about, and once you show them that you're interested in them like that you're all good!

I met this old guy before, who told me that when you meet people, there's five things you never ask them. Their age, name, country, language, or religion. They all make you form an opinion on the person before you ever get to know who they actually are, even if it's just in the slightest way.
So I try to stay away from those questions for the most part, except for the name and age it's hard to get around without asking that much.

What we can learn from Bachelor #2...

The idea of not asking about a person's country of origin, language or religion (and actually, age is a good one too in our case), is pretty good. The less bias we have about someone, the better. Good on ya Bachelor #2.

Bachelor #3 Shared...

 I like to ask a girl about her interests - hobbies, pastimes, plans for the future, etc - as a way of getting to know her further. As soon as you get someone started on talking about what they love they tend to open up more, and you're one step closer to forging a connection with them; in addition to that, it may just be something you have in common.

What we can learn from Bachelor #3...

I think he's really onto something with asking about a potential-friend's plans for the future. It's something us moms tend not to talk about very much, for fear of seeming discontent with our current life. I actually feel kind of liberated when people ask me what I want to do when The Caterpillar goes to school - or will I be homeschooling - or am I going to keep writing? I think it's a good question to get to know potential friends, because it shows a bigger picture of who they are.

-----