Weighing in: London Olympics 2012

Well, the London games have come and gone and the dust has finally settled. The Olympians have flown home. Visa has finished cheering on team World (what will Morgan Freeman do for two years?). HBC is selling their Canadian Olympic gear for 99% off (get yours for the 2014 Olympics today!).

So, now seems like a suitable time to weigh in on everything. My opinion has been set and my research has been concluded. Without further delay ('cause we all know you've been waiting for weeks for me to say something.. right..? no?), I present to you:

Little Band of Olympians.

First, let's start with  my opinion on the Summer Olympics. This will help you to understand my perspective prior to the games beginning:

I have always believed that the Summer Olympics should be dubbed the "Fake Olympics", appropriately named for their Fakeness and the fact that they have no Cool Sports like hockey or bobsledding or figure skating.

So let's commence with the Opening Ceremonies:

The Fake Daniel Craig

I'm not sure what casting agency was hired to find the Daniel Craig look-alike but I was not fooled. I know my Bond when I see him and really? The Craig I know would give a whole-hearted thumbs down to the immensely awkward pause between the fake helicopter jump and the entrance of her Majesty.

The Queen has the world's laziest dogs. Talk about fat puppies.

 The Poor Timing of the "Night Sky"

Next question: who coordinated the filming of the James Bond sequence? One minute, Bond and Queen are flying through the air, headed to the games in daylight, and the next, they're jumping out of the helicopter in pitch black sky. This was not a minor oversight. Booo.

Here, we see Daniel Craig lit by daylight, preparing to jump out of a helicopter with the Queen

...And seconds later, jumping out into the night sky.

The Worst House Party OF MY LIFE
 
Furthermore, let's discuss the Opening Ceremony musicians and dancers. Whatever that house party mess was supposed to be, it most certainly was awful - visually. I've only been to one house party in my life, and it sucked, but this was worse.

Add that to a mashup of eighties music  we've all tried to forget about and you have (what I like to call) a "waste of money".

The Soundtrack that Hates Britain
As for musical selections: Was nobody else even mildly surprised that Sex Pistols' "God Save the Queen" was even allowed to be one of the featured Opening Ceremonies songs?

“God save the Queen / She ain’t no human being / There is no future / In England’s dreaming”

How about "London Calling" by The Clash?

“London calling to the faraway towns / Now war is declared and battle come down / London calling to the underworld / Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls”

I'm no conspiracy theorist or anything - I just think it's strange to allow very anti-British-establishment songs being played at the highly-established London Olympics.

The Ugliest Mascot You Saw Since Highschool

Teletubby falls into vat of Nuclear Waste, results in 2012 Mascot. That's why he's so angry. :(

After consulting with the top creatives in the world, you just decided it would be best to recycle a children's TV show character? "Who needs two eyes? One will do!"

I've seen this before!

Hilarious "Sports"

LOL THIS LOOKS SO HARD

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS. that is all.

I remember doing this when I was 7. It was fun! I would go to the Olympics for it.

I'm still laughing! I know, you're saying "you could never pull that off! don't make fun of the Olympics! they are amazing!" - yes, I could. I have a REALLY good catch.

Let's discuss the time Mexico fell off her horse in Equestrian. Only minutes before, John and I were debating whether or not Equestrian should count as an Olympic sport: does it rely too much on a non-human athlete? Allow this photo to sum it up for you: No. All potentially hilarious sports should make it to the Olympics.

Aww, poor Mexico.

Usain Bolt

Who's got two thumbs and is tired of hearing about Usain Bolt?

This guy.

I want a banner like this.

The Closing Ceremonies

Aside from THE SPICE GIRLS, the closing ceremonies were so gosh darn weird I can't even joke about them. It went from "what?" to "what what?" to John Lennon's face getting broken apart while "no religion" flashed on the TV screen and it was like "whaaaat? oh, here comes Annie Lennox flying on a death boat and a human pyramid getting built, and didn't I see batman for a second?"

All in All

I love what the Olympics do for our world: bring us together. For one moment, we were all yeah "Yeah Usain Bolt, you ARE so fast!"

But really: let's bring it down a notch and take the 5-ringed ceremonies maybe a little less seriously.

Fin