I got a call this week from my midwife suggesting that my iron levels may be a little on the low side. The high side of the low side, but still on the low side.
I love my midwives. I think everyone should have a midwife. Did I mention I love my midwives? I think OB/GYN care should be partnered with midwifery care in Canada. I am in a romance with the idea of midwifery, and these ladies just keep proving and proving their necessity in the Canadian health care and birth system. They don't play no games.
What this week has shown is that midwives really are as safe and protective as OB/GYNs - maybe more so. These women know what they're doing. They have made it very clear that unless my Iron / hemoglobin levels increase (which can definitely happen), a home birth is out of the question. A home labour, sure, but not a home birth.
On hearing this news, I somehow didn't freak out. I feel a little dejected and like I've lost a little of something I've hoped for, but I'm actually alright. I've prayed for peace through this pregnancy, and that's what I have. My priority is a safe and healthy baby. The rest doesn't matter. But it's frustrating to think that we can plan and prepare as much as we want and, sometimes, things are still out of our hands. I don't like this! I like to have my hands all over stuff and make sure it's running smoothly and not let my eyes off of it. I know this is a weakness and I've been working to hand control right over to God... and I need to let this be an opportunity to do just that.
Of course, I'm pumping my body with iron - not simply so that I can have a home birth, but so that I can feel better and recover quicker after birth. I've been feeling like garbage lately - tired all the time to the point of feeling embarassed about it ("other women have so much energy!") - and it's nice to know why.
I've kicked the Vegetarian diet temporarily - at least until I can get myself back on track - "enjoyed" a piece of home-cooked steak the other day (I said a prayer of forgiveness first... I'm sorry, Sophie, my PETA-loving Sister-In-Law!) and have been guzzling back supplements like it's nobody's business.
But this experience has really shown me a lot more about myself and my motivations. Some things I'm learning about myself, I like. Some things, not so much. As I mentioned, I realized how I feel this compulsive need to micro-manage... everything. I don't like that. I need to let that go and give that to God. This isn't my first lesson in my own control issues, but it's a really big one. For now, where baby is born is out of my hands. And that's OK.
But I also learned that my motivations for wanting a home birth are for 2 reasons I would never change and that I actually feel pretty great about.
1) I want a home birth because I feel that home births allow for more community - our particular plan involves 4 or 5 dearly loved ones all coming together and pulling their weight to pull this off. In the hospital, we are only allowed 2 guests and there is no waiting room. I know John will be with me, but I feel wrong choosing between my mom and my Doulah. I still haven't made a decision.
2) I want a home birth because I find my home the most relaxing and calming place on this earth. When in Lamaze class our teacher asked us to close our eyes and imagine a safe place, I was taken to my bedroom. I really feel at home in this home, and I know it's chalk-filled with resources to help me relax... most of which I can't take with me to the hospital. Like my big cozy chair and my Himilayan salt rock (those things weigh a ton) and my bed.
So I've had to think... how can I still get what I wanted from a home birth, in a hospital? How can I cultivate community, and "bring home" to the hospital? These are still things I'm trying to figure out, but I'm glad to know where my motivation for a home birth really stems from so that I can still have the experience I desire but do it safely, too.
And, if things change and my iron levels become safe enough to continue with the home birth plan, then at least I've had this exercize to figure out really why I want what I do and some more practice in handing my own life over to God.
great post. I love how you're always so open and honest.
ReplyDeleteI had a midwife too, and I share in your love and respect for them.
As for the iron - though I never actually had a problem with this during pregnancy, I DO have a bit of an iron deficiency. I know from lots of time with it that eating something that contains high levels of Vitamin C right after eating something high in iron, helps your body absorb it. For whatever reason, our bodies don't absorb iron well without it. So heap in the Kiwis and Oranges after eating something high in iron to get the best results.
Still praying for your homebirth, and rooting in your corner.
xoxo
hey Sam, so glad you're holding everything with an open hand. I think it's very wise! I know of some women who valued birthing at home to the detriment of safety. Or near that level at least... and were rushed to the hospital last minute endangering their child because of stubbornness. I hope you get to birth your girl how you and John would like, but I'm happy to see you holding safety and healthy at the highest standard :)
ReplyDeleteThat said, if you need to be in the hospital: you should totally bring your own pillowcase to slip on the hospital pillow. Consider buying your own birthing gown (you can't wear your own pjs, but you can buy your own gown and then you're not wearing hospital clothes) and wear it a few times before then so it smells like home. Also you could recreate your bedside table in the hospital. Bring a picture frame or whatever you have on your table beside your bed that's portable! Hope it can feel like home for you as much as possible. Either way, after 48 hours you'll BE home so it's not like you need to move into the hospital. Though I understand you wanting it to feel homey :)