My Grandma.

Our family has suffered a huge loss this past week in my Grandmother, the "knot" that kept us all together, and personally one of my best friends. We spoke almost daily on the phone, we wrote letters frequently, and she taught me so much about the Lord in ways that I will never forget. She truly inspired me to be a woman of God and I want to "grow up to be just like her".

Spending Time in Summer '09

Unfortunately, she passed away while I was out of the country with no phone and no internet, and although God has a way of letting us know these things (I can confidently say I knew she was no longer here), and providing us with the sustaining peace and love that we need to get through that loss, I found out for 'sure' last night from my Dad. After a few hours of keeping it cool, pulling together memorial arrangements and having a good time remembering the wonderful life she lived, I had the strongest urge to pick up the phone to call her and ask her opinion on a particular topic. And I couldn't. She's not on this world right now. And that sort of made me crumble. It was the reaction that my family had feared, that they were tip-toeing around for. (My Grandma and I were so close, my family practically had a play-by-play plan of how they were going to handle my reaction, and when I was much more calm and peaceful than they suspected - until late last night with the comfort of just my husband - they didn't really know what to do!)

On Our Wedding Day

Today my family has asked me to move her ashes from their current.. well, box.. to her urn where she will rest until we take her to Alaska one day. I feel like it will be a good opportunity to make peace with God and peace with her, as I feel a sense of guilt and pain over not being by her side this ONE time and that one time being the last. And I'm not taking it very well. It hurts more than I thought it would (we saw this passing coming, she was ill for a long time) just because I can't hold her hand one more time, and I can't call her one more time and I know she won't receive the post-card I sent from my trip.

There's nothing like doing laundry at Grandma's!

Anyway.. all that said, I needed support this morning. And I found it in a blog, through a blog, (a labryinth of lovely womens' blogs!!) in this statement (made admittedly in regards to an entirely different topic):

"I know the Lord will not waste your pain because
He has not ever wasted an ounce of any of His children's pain - but He will use it for His glory, in His time, in His way. However, I know that doesn't always ease it and I didn't want you to think that the rest of us go blindly through this Sunday, not aching and praying for you. My heart is for you."

Celebrating their 50th Anniversary

This Sunday is mother's day, and I know I will celebrate again with my Grandmother. Soon and very soon, but not yet.